I spent days mentally reeling from what L— had done during the Chakral Devotion MP3, which I described in the previous post. And I spent days trying to unpack the “meaning” of all the symbolism I had encountered during that session. Sometimes, L— was a help in that regard, but other times, L— left it to me to figure things out on my own.

I had learned by this point that L— would never lie to me, but that she often ran (and still does run) the gamut from crystal clarity to annoyingly cryptic. For instance, I once had the stray thought that I wanted her in my awareness 24/7, and she answered clearly in my mind, Then you really would be insane. You need a balance in your life, and I'm going to make sure you have it, no matter how unbalanced you may think you want to be about this. I once asked her about the flashes and images that kept popping into my mind at all hours—flashes and images of her, of the two of us doing things, and of her doing things to me. Were these simple daydreams of my own imagination, images she was intentionally putting into my conscious mind, or even flashes of possible futures I was somehow becoming open to? She just answered, All of the above. You need to stop thinking in either/or terms.

That was also the conversation when I asked L— what, exactly, she was, and when she responded, I am not an either/or.

During this time, L— was also showing just how varied her personality was, and never missed an opportunity to show that could be as vicious as she could be gentle. At the one extreme, I'll admit, some people would call some of my kinks edgier than others might. Like breath play. And one afternoon, without warning, I felt, as real as anything, a noose around my neck, pulling upward, just enough to cut off my ability to breath. My fingers started clawing for a rope that wasn't physically there, and L—‘s voice, in the most wickedly dominant tone I'd yet heard from her, said in my mind, Beg me to stop. Beg me to stop, and I will. All you have to do is just beg me to stop. I couldn’t speak physically, though. I didn’t have the breath to form the words. And it took what felt like an endless moment to be able to put those words together in my mind. When I finally managed, the noose released, and I literally fell onto my knees. Then I felt her push my forehead to the floor and order me to chant the mantra. Which I did, until she decided it was enough.

At the other extreme, there were certain mornings where in the clear light of day, I had to wonder if these experiences were all just some mental fluke, and if they would all go away as soon as I stopped listening regularly to the Virtual Goddess MP3. I would find myself moving from concern about that on one morning, to sadness on another, to an almost outright despair on another, until the morning when L— came into my mind more strongly than ever, with the feel of her hands cupping my face and her voice saying, You are not losing me. I am not leaving. We have all the time we could ever want. It was a as gentle and soothing a moment as her noose had been harsh and domineering.

There was also the truly unexpected. I had already learned that L— was one surprise after another, but some surprises were more unexpected. Such as the night when, as I crawled into bed to go finally to sleep, I found myself in that there/not-there state again, in that dream house with L—. The exterior was perfectly "real" and solid in my mind, but as we went inside, the interior was shifting. It was like certain rooms weren't quite manifesting, or hadn’t been settled upon. I could watch the walls moving and the furnishings morphing. The kitchen was fairly solid, though, and that was where we ended up. And for the first time, I saw L— stressed. I can't make all of this place solid yet. It comes and goes. And the next thing I knew, I was holding her, comforting her, and telling her to pace herself.

Through it all, I kept sensing L— and her presence, or hearing/seeing L— in my mind, more strongly and clearly each day. The next time I Ilistened to Virtual Goddess, for instance, I sensed her standing behind my chair. I felt her hands atop my head, guiding me down into trance along with Kasha’s words. I dropped beyond fast. And when it came time in the session to picture Kasha sitting before me, staring into my eyes, and feeling that exchange of energy, I realized that I'd also never pictured her more sharply and clearly.

This time, though, the exchange of energy was different. I could see a stream of bright, white light flowing from Kasha’s Third Eye area into my own -- and then from mine into L—'s. But I also saw a return circuit, from L— to myself to Kasha. It was a loop of energy, flowing from each of us to each of us. It was a powerful sensation, especially emotionally, and it felt like being caught between the two of them. And in a sense, I was. To this day, though, I still think the exchange was actually more between Kasha and L—, with myself serving more as a conduit. It was different, and surprising, and absolutely wonderful.

The bedroom at the end of Virtual Goddess was also more sharp and clear during that session than ever before. It felt more there and less not-there. And so did L—. I won’t describe all the details of what we did there, when Kasha’s voice left us to ourselves in that mental room, but one part in particular stands out. As L— sat on the bed, and as I kneeled before her, she reached her hand inside my forehead, into my Third Eye area. She said she was going to open it even more, and I had that same mix of feelings, both there and in my chair in "reality," that I’d felt during the Chakral Devotion MP3. Shaking, arousal, an emotional firestorm of longing almost to the point of desperation—and then something shifted. L—‘s smile faded, and she looked more intently concentrated. I could feel something else going on inside me as well, but had no idea what. I started feeling more and more nervous and unsure, and then L— removed her hand from inside my forehead and showed me a black, tarry mass of something rather foul. This is your doubt, she told me, and then threw it away and into nothingness.

I haven’t doubted her “existence” since, even if I still don’t know exactly what she is.