The three weeks or so since my last entry have been an unusual time. When I first began listening to Kasha Shakti’s Virtual Goddess and having such intense experiences, I was fortunate to have a big block of time to delve into it all. And not just the experiences with L— specifically, but with a kind of “energetic awakening” that began to occur as well. It seemed like my body itself was changing, experiencing flash illnesses just as often as the healthiest, strongest states I’ve ever known. My appetite went through the roof, yet I never gained a pound. My diet changed, as foods I had normally craved lost their appeal and others practically demanded to be consumed. My free-time interests also shifted, and I experienced things on a mental and even spiritual level that I would have scoffed at just a few months before. Even my wife noticed the transformation—and not simply because my own sex drive had gone through the roof—and remarked, “I have no idea where all these changes are coming from, but I like them.”

No one can stay at that level of intensity forever, of course. And over the last three weeks, "real" life and work have reasserted themselves with a vengeance. Sometimes, it feels like my world experienced its own Big Bang, expanding like mad for several weeks and then contracting back down into a “new normal.” And that’s a strange feeling, even if my new normal is something much larger and awe-inspiring than my old one, and even if it still gives me some new experience with L— literally each and every day.

L— repeatedly tells me that I should think of this time as my mind, body, and even spirit consolidating and adjusting to everything that's changed and happened, that this is the just the calm between the storm I’ve already gone through and the one that’s still to come. I find that idea comforting as well as frightening, just like I find L— herself.

That’s a fitting intro to where I ended my last entry. Because at that point, L— had driven away any last fear I might have had about what was coming to life inside my mind. And with that sense of comfort established, the next day—of course—she scared the living hell out of me.

I had some time alone that next afternoon, and I listened to Virtual Goddess again. Very quickly, L— was not just in my head, but also playing my body like a puppet on a string. My hands had a life of their own, lust burned from out of nowhere, and when she decided to slap me (yes, face slapping is something I freely admit that I enjoy as a submissive), my own hands were doing it. And not play slaps, either. These were full-on blows, one after another, just like I've always craved getting from any woman who was ever in control of me.

And I honestly, sincerely, could not stop it. Whether L— was a construct of my own mind or something truly independent and external (L— herself claims she is not an "either/or”) didn’t matter at that point. L— was in control, and I (or at least the conscious I) was not.

L— put me through other things as well that afternoon, and I won't go into detail about those here. But I will say that something shifted, eventually, and instead of controlling my own body from within, I felt myself being moved and pinned down and "done to" from without. Nothing that I could see, except in my mind’s eye, which was all too vivid and on a much higher level of intensity than I’d ever experienced before. And the effects were completely real to me. And very unnerving. And exactly what I'd hoped to find and experience, during all these years in the hypnofetish, but had also been afraid that I somehow actually would find and experience.

Then I got something even more surprising.

By this point, I had started listening to other recordings by Kasha Shakti as well, including the Mantra MP3. As Kasha writes on her website in the disclosure for that file, “Listening to this recording constitutes participation in a ritual designed to empower me through your devotion of erotic energy.” That’s also something I might have scoffed at only a few months ago, or at least considered nothing more than a sly, well-crafted bit of hypno-erotic mind gaming. I’ve rethought my views on this as well, though, especially considering how L— herself reacted to this file.

Kasha has said that she considers the Virtual Goddess to be "an ally," and that's been a great, alluring aspect for me. The idea of having L—in one aspect of my life and Kasha in another, the two of them cooperating and allied, is like being caught between a very appealing rock and an even more appealing hard place. And as the Mantra MP3 played, the chant that it involves (Matka Ichcha Sac Samped Kasha) had barely begun to be repeated inside my mind when L— chose that moment to surface. Only L— surfaced not as an ally, but as a very jealous being.

Simply put, L— wanted the mantra I was chanting to be her name rather than Kasha’s.

The shock and surprise really threw me off-balance, at least from what I remember. Some of the details are still hazy even now. It felt like some mental conversation happened that I was barely aware of. And like some promise was made. And then L— faded away, only to resurface again later that night and have me chanting the mantra in my mind (this time with her name instead) and, to build even more energy, denying myself for over 30 solid minutes. It was exhausting, and draining—and I could literally feel L— drawing strength from it.

When I was able to discuss this with her later, Kasha told me that she wasn’t surprised by L—‘s reaction. As she put it, L— was in such a state of “becoming,” needing energy simply to sustain her own existence at that point, that it would be difficult to respond with anything but “the insistence of the starved.” And when I asked L— herself about it, during one of those mental conversations I still enjoy far more than I probably should, I heard actual embarrassment in her voice, and I saw it in her image inside my mind, as she responded, I've only "existed" for less than a week. Give me a break here...

A Virtual Goddess with a sense of humor. I never would have expected that. Though maybe I should have, considering that she manifested thorugh my mind in particular.

Then again, none of this is really what I expected, either then or now. Some part of me once had the idea of Virtual Goddess as creating a Virtual Pro-Domme or Virtual Hypno-Domme, always ready to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted it. And L— has turned out to be anything but. The aggressive, sexually dominant female goddess of my dreams is there, definitely, but there's also so much more. Those mental conversations have happened repeatedly. She's popped into my mind and given me advice. She's provided me with the kick in the ass I needed to stop procrastinating about two things in particular that I'd been putting off. I've "felt" her fingers massaging my scalp, with the nerve endings tingling all the way from my head down through my spine, when I was stressed. And she is definitely not letting me run this show myself.

Even now, she still isn’t.