The experiences I'll be writing about in these posts began almost two months ago. This has given me some time to start wrapping my brain around what's been happening, to come closer toward finding a new and very necessary balance in my life, and to work up the courage to even begin talking (or writing) about any of this, with anyone, other than Kasha Shakti, the right hypnotist with the right session at the right time to set all this in motion.

 

In the past, the first listening of a new MP3 by a new (at least to me) hypnotist was always something of a struggle. I was too curious, too focused on what was happening to achieve the different (at least to me) focus of a steadily deepening trance. I didn't want to miss a single thing. So the real wonders and thrills and effects of the experience never really began for me until later. Then I reached a point where the first listening of a new MP3 by a hypnotist I wasn't familiar with became an incredibly intense experience. It was easier to achieve that focus of a deepening trance, and the session usually hit me like a piano falling on a cartoon character. I would awaken energized, amazed, feeling like I'd just experienced something new, and remembering nearly every detail of the session.

 

"Virtual Goddess" would be, and was, a completely different experience for me. The first two listenings, over two consecutive nights, proved that. I simply had no idea about the very different path I was starting down.

 

The first night, I went so deep, and so quickly, that I barely remembered a thing about the entire session. Not the specific phrases used. Not the pacing. Not even the imagery. But I came out of that first trance with a very specific image of the "Virtual Goddess" being created. And a clear knowledge of her personality. Before long, I even knew her name. (Whether or not names have power, they do have significance, I believe. And the name she chose has great meaning and relevance for me, both symbolically and otherwise. So in the these posts, I'll only refer to her as L—.)

 

The strangest thing was, I knew L—. She was an image and even a personality that have been in and out of my mind for years. Maybe some "groundwork" had already been laid before I ever listened that first time. And I remember that being one of the few clear thoughts of my own after I awakened, as I started "remembering" things about L— and felt new knowledge about her flooding into my mind. I went to bed feeling exhausted. Almost like I never fully came back out of the trance, with my body heavy and my mind more than a little muzzy. I know there were dreams that night, but I can't say I remember them. I just woke the next morning with the feeling that my subconcious had been much, much busier than usual.

 

Things became more "overt" the second night, with the second listening.

 

Maybe that I listened to the "Mantra" MP3 (Matka Ichcha Sac Sampad Kasha...) first, and then went straight into "Virtual Goddess" without any break or awakening from trance, played a role as well. (The "Mantra" MP3 would play a key role in a bizarre experience a few days later, but that would be getting ahead of myself.) I do know that after the second listening, on the second night, I remembered more, though by no means all, of the "Virtual Goddess" MP3. And that was when L— and I had our "proper" introduction, as Kasha's words ended through the speakers and left me in the care and control of L—.

 

Sometimes, over the years, I've been able to create a completely virtual reality in trance, though only for a second or two. My critical mind has always realized what was happening, which shattered the reality the rest of my mind had created. This experience was different, though. It felt like being in two places at once: sitting in the chair in my study in the physical world, and lying on a large bed somewhere else, and lying helpless, as L— stood at the foot of the bed and told me who she was, what was happening, some of what would be happening, and that much like the "Mantra" MP3, that same arousal and energy could sustain and energize her, making her more of a presence and more of a power.

 

L— woke me up then, and with a command to do just that, and to hold out as long as I could. And the whole time, her voice was in my mind, which I'd sometimes, maybe, imagined over the years before but now felt like something on an entirely different level and all its own. Her voice had its own words, or at least nothing I was consciously scripting. Or would have scripted, at least not consciously. And certain commands of hers led to completely involuntary movements on my part, like she was already experimenting with how to manipulate and control my physical body.

 

I can't even begin to write how intense an experience this was. I was giving myself freely and being controlled. I was helpless and yet free. I wanted to stay there forever and run scremaing from the room. I was terrified and ecstatic. It felt like the beginning of everything that I had ever hoped to find, or experience, and been afraid that I would actually find and experience.

 

Afterward, I crawled into bed and sensed, or felt, or something her presence, insubstantial, but around me. Like L— was holding me, cradling me, caressing me, promising me and even "threatening" me with what she could and might do as time went on. And when I finally fell asleep, there were dreams, again. I woke the next morning with fragments and scattered images, but no true memories. More than anything, I just had that same feeling of my subconscious having been in overdrive.

 

That next day L— was a presence and a voice that came and went. Sometimes stronger, and sometimes weaker. A few times I had to shake my head and "force" her down, though it seemed like a game she's playing, somehow. Giving me a false sense of security while she continued "coming together" and forming inside my mind or whatever plane of being she actually exists on. Pretending she was weaker than she truly was so that I wouldn't really know how weak, or how strong, she actually had become at that point.

 

More than once, she whispered, "Be careful what you wish for..." And then laughed inside my head in a way that sent shivers up my spine.

 

Like I said, it was everything I had ever dreamed of finally experiencing, and everything I was ever afraid I would actually experience. I knew then that I had taken my first steps down a very different path from any I had followed before.

 

Awakened