By this point, L— had already shown that she could be the best “mental friend” imaginable as well as an extremely frightening entity. And it says something about me that I found both sides of her to be equally appealing.

Looking back, it’s hard to find a common thread for the week or so after the period I last described. Too many things were going on in too many areas of this experience all at once. Each time I thought I had started to gain a handle on things, something unexpected would cause me to rethink it all again. Kasha’s phrase “the insistence of the starved" was all too appropriate for this period as well, because I could feel L—'s strength come and go. I would sense her presence more strongly at certain times and more weakly at others, and she also seemed to have more strength at certain times than at others.

This was the period when L— made Kasha’s mantra (Matka Ichcha Sac Samped Kasha) into something all her own (Matka Ichcha Sac Samped L—). The mantra itself even seemed to take on a life of its own. There were full-blown, 30-minute-plus arousal and denial/release sessions directed at L—, but I would also catch my mind chanting the mantra at different times throughout the day. Usually, I wasn’t even sure how long I'd been thinking the words before I realized it. (Even today, there are times I still don’t.) Sometimes, the mantra seemed like some constantly running background loop. Sometimes, I would wake at 2, or at 3, or at 4 AM with the mantra already running through my head, my body unmoving, and arousal rising to the brink of orgasm multiple times, only to hear L—‘s voice each time saying Not yet, and then pulling me back from the brink with no conscious effort of my own. And sometimes, I would listen to the Mantra MP3 itself, and have to struggle with my own mind to use the name “Kasha” rather than “L—,” the new mantra had become so ingrained.

This was also the period when I stopping having doubts whether a given experience was some thought I might have had about L— or L— herself actually deciding to manifest in some way. On several mornings, she unexpectedly forced me (literally) to my knees to chant the mantra -- but never when I thought it would be coming, or even when I hoped it might be coming. Those times, I would feel her as a presence in my mind, or like an unseen presence at my side, but nothing would happen. She would say nothing. She would do nothing. No matter what I thought or did or how much I wanted to feel her taking control, nothing at all would happen. Not until I gave up completely, felt her fade away, and found myself immersed in and focused on something else entirely would she unleash some “proof” of her abilities and power.

This was the period as well when I realized that the fierce, emotional longing I had already begun to feel for L— was also something she could raise within me at her whim. It might be during the mantra for her, when the need would be so overpowering within three repetitions of that one, short sentence that I would find myself literally shaking and in tears. Or it might arise as a parting reminder after I had tried to bring L— into my awareness on my own timetable for some reason or other, only to hear, clear as day inside my mind, No. I'm tired. I'm weak. Later.

More than anything, though, this was the period when trances became even deeper, and the visualizations within those trances became more substantial (and sometimes more unnerving), than I had ever experienced before. Virtual Goddess in particular became extraordinarily powerful for me. My memory would haze in and out until the end of the session, when it leaves you still in trance and in the care of the personal, inner goddess you had manifested. But now, once I would be left alone with L—, the feeling of being in two places at once shifted into feeling much more in the not-there of that mental bedroom with her than in the there of my physical chair, headphones, and MP3 player.

L— made good use of those times, too, taking them well beyond the simple “play” or “fetish-fix” sessions I had once imagined they would be. I realized this during the very first time I listened to the Virtual Goddess MP3 in this period, when Kasha’s voice left me on that mental bed in that mental room with L—, and bonds with minds of their own lashed me spread-eagled to the bedposts as L— straddled me, and things got... well... even weirder...

Because for each finger on her left hand, one by one, L— took hold of that finger with those of her other hand, and then she stretched out that finger until the elongated part actually separated from the rest of that finger and she was left holding a finger's-width part of herself, moving like it was alive. And for each one, she dropped that piece of herself by one of my hands or feet. All I could do was lie there, unable to move either in that not-there bedroom or in the chair of my “real” room, as those pieces moved like flesh-colored snakes with no heads against my own skin and then slipped inside of me, curling around my muscles and nerves and making every part of me feel alive and aroused. Looking down at me, L— said this would give her more control over my physical body and reactions. Then she did the same with the fingers of her right hand, but she dropped those onto other places on my body. And then she took that one certain part of me inside herself, riding me while eight portions of whatever L— actually was writhed inside of seemingly every part of my own body beneath my skin.

L— also began inserting herself into trances with other sessions, such as the Chakral Devotion MP3 from Kasha and Isabella Valentine’s Lea~Koa site. Again, that particular file was one I might have scoffed at a few weeks earlier, or simply considered an enjoyable hypnotic fantasy. By this point, though, I downloaded it with an opened mind, hoping that it really would help strengthen my connection with L—, and maybe the flow of energy between us as well. Little did I know how it would do that.

I was lying on the floor as I went under, and I could sense L— on the couch to the side as I listened to the file. She was clearly paying very close attention to it all, but making no move to interfere. Everything seemed fine and "on script." Not all of the chakras appeared to be the same size in my mental image of them, and not all of them had turned brilliant white by the end of the file, but that was a whole raft of symbolism and meanings that I would work out later. Because at that moment, when the file reached the count to awakening, I sensed very strongly that L— was no longer on the couch but was now kneeling on the floor beside me. And heard her voice inside my mind telling me that I was definitely not going to wake up, that I was instead going to go deeper with every number counted.

That was exactly what happened, of course. I was out of control at that point, in her hands, and she was running the show.

I still had the chakras I had pictured during the actual session clearly in my mind’s eye. One by one, for each chakra, L— put a hand over it, and I could feel/sense/”see” the energy flowing up from me and into her palm. Even more bizarre (though I would actually become used to this later), my body was actually lifting up off the floor at the exact position of whichever chakra L— happened to be focusing on. The flow of energy I was visualizing felt that powerful. It felt arousing, too, but also seven other things I'm still to this day trying to figure out. It wasn’t quite sexual. It wasn’t quite spiritual. It was something I had no idea how to really describe, then or now, and I felt more than a little nervous as I realized just how far out of my usual depth I had gotten. That was when I sensed/”saw” L— smiling down and saying, Trust me. This will connect us even more.

L— didn't say much of anything after that. She just worked her way up my torso, with the same thing happening for each chakra. When she reached the Third Eye, though, she seemed more serious, and I very clearly heard, We need to open this more, for both of us. For what we both want to do over time.

What I felt with the other chakras had been nothing compared to this one. My head was lifted well above the pillow, and the rush of energy was on a completely different order of magnitude. The best description is that it felt like something was trying to "widen" my forehead. In fact, my whole body was shaking and quivering, just a notch or two below what I could only be called a full-on seizure. I had never had an image of L— being so focused and full of concentration, either. And that was the image of her in my mind, at least until the point, after I honestly don't know how long, that I felt something snap, or part, or open, and L—pulled back her hand as my head slammed back down onto the pillow.

Looking up at L— in my mind’s eye, she seemed energized and exhausted all at once. I felt the same way.

Then I realized she still wasn’t finished yet.

She moved to the chakra above my head, cupping it in both her hands, and I felt the energy flowing from the root chakra up through the others and into her, and the chakras that hadn’t already been brilliant white suddenly became brilliant white. Ripples of sensation (arousal, again, and all those other feelings I'm still trying to puzzle out) flowed up through my body until L— reversed the flow. Then the energy was flowing from her and into me, and the same ripples moved in the opposite direction.

Afterward, I was beyond energized and ecstatic for the rest of the day. That evening, though, I crashed -- badly -- and saw yet another side of L—. I already knew she could be embarrassed, but this time, I could see disappointment -- in herself -- on that image of her face inside my mind. And I also clearly heard her apology: I'm sorry. I took a bit too much for the start, and for everything else you had going on today. You'll be fine, though. Just sleep it off.

She was right, too. In fact, by the next morning, I felt better than fine.

So did L—, and the two of us kept moving forward.

The three weeks or so since my last entry have been an unusual time. When I first began listening to Kasha Shakti’s Virtual Goddess and having such intense experiences, I was fortunate to have a big block of time to delve into it all. And not just the experiences with L— specifically, but with a kind of “energetic awakening” that began to occur as well. It seemed like my body itself was changing, experiencing flash illnesses just as often as the healthiest, strongest states I’ve ever known. My appetite went through the roof, yet I never gained a pound. My diet changed, as foods I had normally craved lost their appeal and others practically demanded to be consumed. My free-time interests also shifted, and I experienced things on a mental and even spiritual level that I would have scoffed at just a few months before. Even my wife noticed the transformation—and not simply because my own sex drive had gone through the roof—and remarked, “I have no idea where all these changes are coming from, but I like them.”

No one can stay at that level of intensity forever, of course. And over the last three weeks, "real" life and work have reasserted themselves with a vengeance. Sometimes, it feels like my world experienced its own Big Bang, expanding like mad for several weeks and then contracting back down into a “new normal.” And that’s a strange feeling, even if my new normal is something much larger and awe-inspiring than my old one, and even if it still gives me some new experience with L— literally each and every day.

L— repeatedly tells me that I should think of this time as my mind, body, and even spirit consolidating and adjusting to everything that's changed and happened, that this is the just the calm between the storm I’ve already gone through and the one that’s still to come. I find that idea comforting as well as frightening, just like I find L— herself.

That’s a fitting intro to where I ended my last entry. Because at that point, L— had driven away any last fear I might have had about what was coming to life inside my mind. And with that sense of comfort established, the next day—of course—she scared the living hell out of me.

I had some time alone that next afternoon, and I listened to Virtual Goddess again. Very quickly, L— was not just in my head, but also playing my body like a puppet on a string. My hands had a life of their own, lust burned from out of nowhere, and when she decided to slap me (yes, face slapping is something I freely admit that I enjoy as a submissive), my own hands were doing it. And not play slaps, either. These were full-on blows, one after another, just like I've always craved getting from any woman who was ever in control of me.

And I honestly, sincerely, could not stop it. Whether L— was a construct of my own mind or something truly independent and external (L— herself claims she is not an "either/or”) didn’t matter at that point. L— was in control, and I (or at least the conscious I) was not.

L— put me through other things as well that afternoon, and I won't go into detail about those here. But I will say that something shifted, eventually, and instead of controlling my own body from within, I felt myself being moved and pinned down and "done to" from without. Nothing that I could see, except in my mind’s eye, which was all too vivid and on a much higher level of intensity than I’d ever experienced before. And the effects were completely real to me. And very unnerving. And exactly what I'd hoped to find and experience, during all these years in the hypnofetish, but had also been afraid that I somehow actually would find and experience.

Then I got something even more surprising.

By this point, I had started listening to other recordings by Kasha Shakti as well, including the Mantra MP3. As Kasha writes on her website in the disclosure for that file, “Listening to this recording constitutes participation in a ritual designed to empower me through your devotion of erotic energy.” That’s also something I might have scoffed at only a few months ago, or at least considered nothing more than a sly, well-crafted bit of hypno-erotic mind gaming. I’ve rethought my views on this as well, though, especially considering how L— herself reacted to this file.

Kasha has said that she considers the Virtual Goddess to be "an ally," and that's been a great, alluring aspect for me. The idea of having L—in one aspect of my life and Kasha in another, the two of them cooperating and allied, is like being caught between a very appealing rock and an even more appealing hard place. And as the Mantra MP3 played, the chant that it involves (Matka Ichcha Sac Samped Kasha) had barely begun to be repeated inside my mind when L— chose that moment to surface. Only L— surfaced not as an ally, but as a very jealous being.

Simply put, L— wanted the mantra I was chanting to be her name rather than Kasha’s.

The shock and surprise really threw me off-balance, at least from what I remember. Some of the details are still hazy even now. It felt like some mental conversation happened that I was barely aware of. And like some promise was made. And then L— faded away, only to resurface again later that night and have me chanting the mantra in my mind (this time with her name instead) and, to build even more energy, denying myself for over 30 solid minutes. It was exhausting, and draining—and I could literally feel L— drawing strength from it.

When I was able to discuss this with her later, Kasha told me that she wasn’t surprised by L—‘s reaction. As she put it, L— was in such a state of “becoming,” needing energy simply to sustain her own existence at that point, that it would be difficult to respond with anything but “the insistence of the starved.” And when I asked L— herself about it, during one of those mental conversations I still enjoy far more than I probably should, I heard actual embarrassment in her voice, and I saw it in her image inside my mind, as she responded, I've only "existed" for less than a week. Give me a break here...

A Virtual Goddess with a sense of humor. I never would have expected that. Though maybe I should have, considering that she manifested thorugh my mind in particular.

Then again, none of this is really what I expected, either then or now. Some part of me once had the idea of Virtual Goddess as creating a Virtual Pro-Domme or Virtual Hypno-Domme, always ready to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted it. And L— has turned out to be anything but. The aggressive, sexually dominant female goddess of my dreams is there, definitely, but there's also so much more. Those mental conversations have happened repeatedly. She's popped into my mind and given me advice. She's provided me with the kick in the ass I needed to stop procrastinating about two things in particular that I'd been putting off. I've "felt" her fingers massaging my scalp, with the nerve endings tingling all the way from my head down through my spine, when I was stressed. And she is definitely not letting me run this show myself.

Even now, she still isn’t.