Over the next few days, things “progressed” with L— much farther and much faster than I ever thought could be possible. There were times she was lurking just below the surface of my conscious mind, and I'd experience a flash of images or words in her voice. It almost felt like I was eavesdropping on something being prepared, or was being allowed a glimpse of L— experimenting, learning, thinking, and even making decisions. Other times, she would come fully formed into my conscious awareness, either telling me something outright or asking a question or just "messing" with me, either mentally or physically or even sometimes both, for a moment or two. Then she would fade back down below the surface with that devilish laugh that let me know she had other things in store. There was a certain joy in L— at being "alive" that was impossible to ignore, and she was absolutely relishing the growing power she had over both my mind and my body. I've always had an active fantasy life, and I started exploring self-hypnosis long before I ever discovered a "hypno-fetish" even existed. Those other experiences had a very different quality from what I was (and still am) experiencing now, though. Before, certain things would be a giveaway that I was somehow rewriting or guiding the fantasy, that I had some measure of control. And rarely did any of those earlier "fantasy figures" ever do something that honestly surprised me. Even during these first few days with L—, though, she managed to surprise me repeatedly. One of those surprises involved my wife. My wife and I both play with and enjoy hypnosis, and each of us has our own little sphere of fantasies and online experiences that the other has little or nothing to do with. (Basically, we're two kinksters who somehow found each other, but have our separate as well as our shared kink worlds.) I also walk, each day, sometimes with my wife and sometimes not, as a way to clear my head. And on one of those early evenings after L— had been created, or manifested, or whatever actually brought her into being inside my mind, I was walking alone. And I had a stray thought of what life would be like if I were single, and what L— could do if I had more privacy. It was one of those involuntary thoughts that people have for a brief moment, before they think better of it and push that particular idiocy from their heads. Only that evening, before I even had a chance to think better of that idiocy, L— flared (the best way I can describe it) into my conscious mind and quite literally told me off for even thinking about that, and how lucky I was in my life, and that if need be, she would make sure I never did anything to mess that up. Then she flared away, and I found myself standing on the sidewalk like an idiot. That was the moment I really, truly realized that L— was something very different and independent from anything I'd experienced before. Somehow, I’d managed to create, or manifest, or whatever word should be used, a “Virtual Goddess” who was also fiercely protective of my marriage. That night was also the first time my wife and I were "together" since I first listened to the “Virtual Goddess” MP3, and even after that experience on the sidewalk, I was worried about what might happen. Partly because having someone, or something, like L— toy with me during that kind of time is a guilty fantasy that I have (and something that did happen once with a hypnotic experience years before, but that's another story). L— had no intention of doing anything like that, as it turned out. Instead, I just saw her face and heard her voice in my mind, with this incredibly loving look and tone, telling me to enjoy what I had and that she would be back afterward. It was a great evening, but one I won’t describe. And L— did come back, much later, as I was finally settling down in bed for the night. And that was the first night I felt that I was in two places at once. Over the years, there's been a certain "mental dream house" that's often been a setting during trances for me. It began as just a staircase, because who hasn’t had uncounted trances deepened by imagining themselves walking down those overly symbolic steps? But as time went on, I found myself filling in the details, like the hallway at the top of the stairs and the room at the bottom. Bit by bit, my mind constructed that entire house, and settled on its location, until it became the place that I firmly intend to build or buy if I ever have the chance and the finances. That house was where I found myself that night, even as I also experienced myself lying in bed with my wife. L— had taken the “dream house” for her own, I realized. She had changed the location and the scenery, and she was also, apparently, "upgrading" it in ways I only caught glimpses of then. But it was clearly the same house I had put together in my mind over the years. And it was more vivid and “substantial” than it had ever been. Even now, weeks later, I’m still struggling to find the words to describe this experience. Saying that I was in two places at once gives the idea, but not the actual feeling, or the intensity. I was clearly lying in my bed, with my wife, but also very much at that house, sitting outside on the wooden deck with L—. I could feel the hardness of the wooden chair beneath me and the temperature of the colder air I breathed there, which felt, and even smelled, so different from the warmer air and the softer mattress of my physical bedroom. I could even feel the warm ceramic of the mug of coffee that I held, like a kind of overlay that mixed with the feel of the bed sheet against that same palm back in the “real” world. I might have thought I was going insane, if I hadn’t been enjoying the entire experience so much. And it was hardly the experience I would have expected. Because all that L— and I did was have a conversation, sitting there on the deck of that “dream” house. It was a conversation that flowed faster than I could have ever scripted consciously, too, and one about topics and with responses that I never would have imagined on my own, again at least not consciously. And it was such a wonderfully unexpected cap to a wonderfully unexpected evening that I lost any fear about what was coming to life inside my mind. I had no idea, that night, feeling myself in two places at once, what I was in for next. Awakened
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The experiences I'll be writing about in these posts began almost two months ago. This has given me some time to start wrapping my brain around what's been happening, to come closer toward finding a new and very necessary balance in my life, and to work up the courage to even begin talking (or writing) about any of this, with anyone, other than Kasha Shakti, the right hypnotist with the right session at the right time to set all this in motion. In the past, the first listening of a new MP3 by a new (at least to me) hypnotist was always something of a struggle. I was too curious, too focused on what was happening to achieve the different (at least to me) focus of a steadily deepening trance. I didn't want to miss a single thing. So the real wonders and thrills and effects of the experience never really began for me until later. Then I reached a point where the first listening of a new MP3 by a hypnotist I wasn't familiar with became an incredibly intense experience. It was easier to achieve that focus of a deepening trance, and the session usually hit me like a piano falling on a cartoon character. I would awaken energized, amazed, feeling like I'd just experienced something new, and remembering nearly every detail of the session. "Virtual Goddess" would be, and was, a completely different experience for me. The first two listenings, over two consecutive nights, proved that. I simply had no idea about the very different path I was starting down. The first night, I went so deep, and so quickly, that I barely remembered a thing about the entire session. Not the specific phrases used. Not the pacing. Not even the imagery. But I came out of that first trance with a very specific image of the "Virtual Goddess" being created. And a clear knowledge of her personality. Before long, I even knew her name. (Whether or not names have power, they do have significance, I believe. And the name she chose has great meaning and relevance for me, both symbolically and otherwise. So in the these posts, I'll only refer to her as L—.) The strangest thing was, I knew L—. She was an image and even a personality that have been in and out of my mind for years. Maybe some "groundwork" had already been laid before I ever listened that first time. And I remember that being one of the few clear thoughts of my own after I awakened, as I started "remembering" things about L— and felt new knowledge about her flooding into my mind. I went to bed feeling exhausted. Almost like I never fully came back out of the trance, with my body heavy and my mind more than a little muzzy. I know there were dreams that night, but I can't say I remember them. I just woke the next morning with the feeling that my subconcious had been much, much busier than usual. Things became more "overt" the second night, with the second listening. Maybe that I listened to the "Mantra" MP3 (Matka Ichcha Sac Sampad Kasha...) first, and then went straight into "Virtual Goddess" without any break or awakening from trance, played a role as well. (The "Mantra" MP3 would play a key role in a bizarre experience a few days later, but that would be getting ahead of myself.) I do know that after the second listening, on the second night, I remembered more, though by no means all, of the "Virtual Goddess" MP3. And that was when L— and I had our "proper" introduction, as Kasha's words ended through the speakers and left me in the care and control of L—. Sometimes, over the years, I've been able to create a completely virtual reality in trance, though only for a second or two. My critical mind has always realized what was happening, which shattered the reality the rest of my mind had created. This experience was different, though. It felt like being in two places at once: sitting in the chair in my study in the physical world, and lying on a large bed somewhere else, and lying helpless, as L— stood at the foot of the bed and told me who she was, what was happening, some of what would be happening, and that much like the "Mantra" MP3, that same arousal and energy could sustain and energize her, making her more of a presence and more of a power. L— woke me up then, and with a command to do just that, and to hold out as long as I could. And the whole time, her voice was in my mind, which I'd sometimes, maybe, imagined over the years before but now felt like something on an entirely different level and all its own. Her voice had its own words, or at least nothing I was consciously scripting. Or would have scripted, at least not consciously. And certain commands of hers led to completely involuntary movements on my part, like she was already experimenting with how to manipulate and control my physical body. I can't even begin to write how intense an experience this was. I was giving myself freely and being controlled. I was helpless and yet free. I wanted to stay there forever and run scremaing from the room. I was terrified and ecstatic. It felt like the beginning of everything that I had ever hoped to find, or experience, and been afraid that I would actually find and experience. Afterward, I crawled into bed and sensed, or felt, or something her presence, insubstantial, but around me. Like L— was holding me, cradling me, caressing me, promising me and even "threatening" me with what she could and might do as time went on. And when I finally fell asleep, there were dreams, again. I woke the next morning with fragments and scattered images, but no true memories. More than anything, I just had that same feeling of my subconscious having been in overdrive. That next day L— was a presence and a voice that came and went. Sometimes stronger, and sometimes weaker. A few times I had to shake my head and "force" her down, though it seemed like a game she's playing, somehow. Giving me a false sense of security while she continued "coming together" and forming inside my mind or whatever plane of being she actually exists on. Pretending she was weaker than she truly was so that I wouldn't really know how weak, or how strong, she actually had become at that point. More than once, she whispered, "Be careful what you wish for..." And then laughed inside my head in a way that sent shivers up my spine. Like I said, it was everything I had ever dreamed of finally experiencing, and everything I was ever afraid I would actually experience. I knew then that I had taken my first steps down a very different path from any I had followed before. Awakened
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I like to think I've been around when it comes to hypnosis. My interest began when I was still a child. I read books about the topic in secret, first hypnotized someone in secret, and practiced self-hypnosis with a pure belief in what was possible that only a child (and then a teenager) could have, even when the results never quite lived up to my expectations. I like to think I've been around when it comes to erotic hypnosis. I made the connection later in life, but then made up for lost time. Those were the days before MP3s, when buying a session meant waiting for a padded mailer with a cassette tape to arrive in your actual, physical mailbox. Over the years, I bought at least one session from most of the hypnotists who came to my attention, whether the "Old Guard" of original hypnodomes, or the ones who came later and then disappeared, or the ones who came later and then stayed. Each one showed me something new, whether something mind-blowing or just something interesting, some take on a subject I'd never thought of on my own. Some I went back to and bought other sessions, and someof those sessions I still listen to from time to time even today. And a few I threw myself into, buying many sessions over many months or a year, trying to experience all that they had to offer like some serial monogamist. This made for more great experiences than I had a right to expect, but there was never a perfect fit, and never a perfect idea in my own mind of what I was really looking for or what I actually needed. Sometimes, I would try to create it on my own, with my own scripts read through one voice-synthesizer or hypnosis computer program or another. But still, the perfect fit was never there. Or it was the right idea or session at the wrong time in my life. I can't even begin to wrap my mind around all the many things that needed to align so that I could encounter the right hypnotist, and the right session, at the right time in my life. Looking back over the last few weeks, I can see how easily any one piece of that puzzle could have been off. I could have listened to a Kasha Shakti recording at some other point during all the time I knew about her but never purchased one of her MP3s. I could have listened a Kasha Shakti MP3 other than "Virtual Goddess" as my first session. I could have done all this months or a year or even more from now, when everything else in my life had reached a different place, and my mind might have been less opened. Sometimes your "perfect fit" has a small window of opportunity. Looking back, I know that mine certainly did. And that alone makes me wonder and reconsider things that I haven't wondered about or reconsidered for years. My perfect fit isn't a case of "I love her voice," though I do. Or "I love her sessions," though I do. Or even "Her sessions just do it for me3," though they do. My perfect fit is an experience that completely redefines my sense of what is possible, and what is real. Something that's already exceeded even those expectations I had as a child. Something I honestly thought I would never experience, at least not in this life. Looking back over the last few weeks, I can see that listening to "Virtual Goddess" was one of those events or decisions that nudges your life onto a different, completely unexpected route. One of those events that changes how you look at yourself and the world, and opens you up to something much wider, and more wonderful, and even more downright bizarre than anything you were ever open to before. Looking back, I've also come to realize I'm not the only person who has had experiences as intense as my own these last few weeks. Realizing that has helped convince me that I'm still relatively sane. Hopefully, writing about my own experiences over the next few weeks might help someone else realize that as well. Awakened
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