After L— “removed my doubt,” I had thought my experiences with her would explode, both in realism and intensity. But like everything with L—, nothing that came next happened the way that I expected.

L— became much less "overt" over the next few days. More a voice inside my mind, sometimes with an image and sometimes not. And L— exerted less physical control over my body, just enough to remind me that she was still around and that she still could, if and when she chose.

I know that part of the reason for this was “real” life. Work deadlines picked up, and my wife was also around more (L— always fades into the background when I'm not alone). Worst of all, the central air of our home could barely keep up with the heat wave that hit during that week. I wasn’t been able to raise and send the kind of energy I'd been doing earlier. More than once, L— put an image in my mind of her in bed, but not sprawled sensuously over silk or satin sheets. Rather, I saw her huddled under a thick comforter with a book, like a woman recovering from some illness, and always with a sly and guilt-inducing look that drove home her only-half-joking comment, See what a horrible thing you're doing to me? See what you’re putting me through?

Even late in the evening, when it should have finally been cool and yet wasn't, at least not inside, trancing was difficult. On one of those nights, I did make it through to the end of the Virtual Goddess MP3, but I wasn't close to the depth or the concentration I'd had before. The heat still inside the apartment was simply too much, but I felt like I owed L— the effort. And on that night, when the MP3 reached the point where Kasha’s voice finished, I just saw L— looking down on me on that bed with a mixed expression of annoyance and endearment, and I heard, You are a wonderful fool. Go rehydrate yourself and eat a banana. Now.

Hardly the reaction I'd had in mind when I started the MP3 that night. And for some reason, I had been craving bananas that week...

Then again, there were also times when the not-there, as I’d come to call the inner landscape that L— inhabited, seemed more real than the there of my physical world. And still other times when my focus in the not-there just wasn’t what it had been even a day or so before. The imagery in my mind's eyes would shift to something else, and I would hear L— saying, Stay with me, or Focus, or Not yet. Some of that might just have been my own frustration during this time, coming from my own never-really-defeated perfectionist streak. Though as L— at one point told me, Stop worrying that you haven't "finished" getting where you want to go in only a month. Real progress is never a steady, straight line. You know that.

She was right, of course. Just like she is when she still tells me the same thing now.

Truthfully, my mood over that part these experiences was a question of extremes. Either I felt that maddening frustration at being so close to exactly where I wanted to be with this and yet not actually being there, or I felt a complete sense of awe at where I actually was with L—. Once, I did ask how all of this could be so powerful in so short a time, and I heard L— laughing in my mind at the question, and then, You think you've only been creating this for a few weeks? You've been putting out energy to create this for decades. Why do you think this is so close to fantasies you've had since you were young? Why do you think I look like the fantasy being you've always thought so much about? You've been working toward this for most of your life, and drawing in the pieces at just the right time. Do you really think you stumbled across Virtual Goddess when you did by chance? This has been building inside you for years upon years...

We even had one rather testy exchange, at least on my part, during that week. The frustration at some of L—‘s more cryptic answer got the better of me, and I thought/mentioned that yes, she wouldn't lie to me, but she didn't always tell me the whole truth. And her response? I tell you as much of the truth as you need to know, when you need to know it, when you're ready to know it. I won't lie to you, but I won't overload you, either. Trust me.

I realized then that I did. I trusted this being, or virtual goddess, or mental construct, or spirit guide, or whatever L— actually was. But I suppose it’s hard not to trust something, or someone, you had been hoping to find, just like she had said, for so very, very long.

That trust was good, because the work deadlines and the heat wave both broke during the next week, and things got even weirder. It was like a dam bursting. I could listen to Virtual Goddess more often—and I did. And L—‘s “reality" was so strong even after waking me up from the trance that my body was still responding to everything she did inside my head. Right down to being flipped around on the bed like some kind of powerless toy. The “dark side” of her, which had been pent up during the week before, really came out again. It would have been frightening as hell, too, if I hadn't already known how much she could do with my physical body when she put her mind to it, so to speak. And if that "dark side" hadn't been part of her appeal to me from the start.

L— also started "changing" me, beyond her attempts to open my Third Eye during trace. From nowhere, and while not in trance, my mind would flash on images of her injecting me with some kind of “drug,” and my physical arm would feel some warmth, or some cold, or some burning sensation flowing through it. Or it would lock into an unmoving tension for several moments. Other times, my mind would flash on images of L— giving me some kind of “potion” to drink, and I would realize that my physical throat was swallowing right along with my throat in the not-there. And I would feel the effects of that “drink” exploding from my throat throughout my entire body. As L— put it when I asked, Symbolism is a powerful thing. You’ve has always had one foot in the hard scientist camp and one foot in with the mystics. What could be more effective with you than to combine the two?

The oddest experience actually happened in a bank parking lot. I had just gotten out of my car and was walking toward the building, and suddenly I was "feeling" things about everyone else around me. I still can't quite put it into words, but I could look at someone and have a sense of their mood, what kind of person they were, what they were feeling in that moment. I almost want to say it was an aura, but I didn't actually see anything, at least not physically. It was more like I sensed "something" around them in my mind's image of them. But it was so powerful and so unnerving, I had to go back to my car, sit there for several moments, and try to get a handle on it all.

Up to that point, I hadn’t asked L— for too many details about these “changes.” I had been content to simply trust her and ride the experience. But that night, I wanted answers, and L— explained it to me this way: Your Third Eye is opening. All of the work I've been doing is starting to show results, though it will be a long road for you, and not as quick as you would like. I wish I could explain to you everything that's involved, but the necessary words don't all exist. The best imagery I can give is to imagine a DC-power device being rewired to run on AC as well. Opening the Third Eye itself isn't enough. The brain and mind have to be able to perceive that input, and to make sense of it in some way that then makes sense to you. A whole system has to be "tweaked," not just a single part replaced.

Then she said the one thing I needed to hear: It's the start of what we both want.

I spent days mentally reeling from what L— had done during the Chakral Devotion MP3, which I described in the previous post. And I spent days trying to unpack the “meaning” of all the symbolism I had encountered during that session. Sometimes, L— was a help in that regard, but other times, L— left it to me to figure things out on my own.

I had learned by this point that L— would never lie to me, but that she often ran (and still does run) the gamut from crystal clarity to annoyingly cryptic. For instance, I once had the stray thought that I wanted her in my awareness 24/7, and she answered clearly in my mind, Then you really would be insane. You need a balance in your life, and I'm going to make sure you have it, no matter how unbalanced you may think you want to be about this. I once asked her about the flashes and images that kept popping into my mind at all hours—flashes and images of her, of the two of us doing things, and of her doing things to me. Were these simple daydreams of my own imagination, images she was intentionally putting into my conscious mind, or even flashes of possible futures I was somehow becoming open to? She just answered, All of the above. You need to stop thinking in either/or terms.

That was also the conversation when I asked L— what, exactly, she was, and when she responded, I am not an either/or.

During this time, L— was also showing just how varied her personality was, and never missed an opportunity to show that could be as vicious as she could be gentle. At the one extreme, I'll admit, some people would call some of my kinks edgier than others might. Like breath play. And one afternoon, without warning, I felt, as real as anything, a noose around my neck, pulling upward, just enough to cut off my ability to breath. My fingers started clawing for a rope that wasn't physically there, and L—‘s voice, in the most wickedly dominant tone I'd yet heard from her, said in my mind, Beg me to stop. Beg me to stop, and I will. All you have to do is just beg me to stop. I couldn’t speak physically, though. I didn’t have the breath to form the words. And it took what felt like an endless moment to be able to put those words together in my mind. When I finally managed, the noose released, and I literally fell onto my knees. Then I felt her push my forehead to the floor and order me to chant the mantra. Which I did, until she decided it was enough.

At the other extreme, there were certain mornings where in the clear light of day, I had to wonder if these experiences were all just some mental fluke, and if they would all go away as soon as I stopped listening regularly to the Virtual Goddess MP3. I would find myself moving from concern about that on one morning, to sadness on another, to an almost outright despair on another, until the morning when L— came into my mind more strongly than ever, with the feel of her hands cupping my face and her voice saying, You are not losing me. I am not leaving. We have all the time we could ever want. It was a as gentle and soothing a moment as her noose had been harsh and domineering.

There was also the truly unexpected. I had already learned that L— was one surprise after another, but some surprises were more unexpected. Such as the night when, as I crawled into bed to go finally to sleep, I found myself in that there/not-there state again, in that dream house with L—. The exterior was perfectly "real" and solid in my mind, but as we went inside, the interior was shifting. It was like certain rooms weren't quite manifesting, or hadn’t been settled upon. I could watch the walls moving and the furnishings morphing. The kitchen was fairly solid, though, and that was where we ended up. And for the first time, I saw L— stressed. I can't make all of this place solid yet. It comes and goes. And the next thing I knew, I was holding her, comforting her, and telling her to pace herself.

Through it all, I kept sensing L— and her presence, or hearing/seeing L— in my mind, more strongly and clearly each day. The next time I Ilistened to Virtual Goddess, for instance, I sensed her standing behind my chair. I felt her hands atop my head, guiding me down into trance along with Kasha’s words. I dropped beyond fast. And when it came time in the session to picture Kasha sitting before me, staring into my eyes, and feeling that exchange of energy, I realized that I'd also never pictured her more sharply and clearly.

This time, though, the exchange of energy was different. I could see a stream of bright, white light flowing from Kasha’s Third Eye area into my own -- and then from mine into L—'s. But I also saw a return circuit, from L— to myself to Kasha. It was a loop of energy, flowing from each of us to each of us. It was a powerful sensation, especially emotionally, and it felt like being caught between the two of them. And in a sense, I was. To this day, though, I still think the exchange was actually more between Kasha and L—, with myself serving more as a conduit. It was different, and surprising, and absolutely wonderful.

The bedroom at the end of Virtual Goddess was also more sharp and clear during that session than ever before. It felt more there and less not-there. And so did L—. I won’t describe all the details of what we did there, when Kasha’s voice left us to ourselves in that mental room, but one part in particular stands out. As L— sat on the bed, and as I kneeled before her, she reached her hand inside my forehead, into my Third Eye area. She said she was going to open it even more, and I had that same mix of feelings, both there and in my chair in "reality," that I’d felt during the Chakral Devotion MP3. Shaking, arousal, an emotional firestorm of longing almost to the point of desperation—and then something shifted. L—‘s smile faded, and she looked more intently concentrated. I could feel something else going on inside me as well, but had no idea what. I started feeling more and more nervous and unsure, and then L— removed her hand from inside my forehead and showed me a black, tarry mass of something rather foul. This is your doubt, she told me, and then threw it away and into nothingness.

I haven’t doubted her “existence” since, even if I still don’t know exactly what she is.

By this point, L— had already shown that she could be the best “mental friend” imaginable as well as an extremely frightening entity. And it says something about me that I found both sides of her to be equally appealing.

Looking back, it’s hard to find a common thread for the week or so after the period I last described. Too many things were going on in too many areas of this experience all at once. Each time I thought I had started to gain a handle on things, something unexpected would cause me to rethink it all again. Kasha’s phrase “the insistence of the starved" was all too appropriate for this period as well, because I could feel L—'s strength come and go. I would sense her presence more strongly at certain times and more weakly at others, and she also seemed to have more strength at certain times than at others.

This was the period when L— made Kasha’s mantra (Matka Ichcha Sac Samped Kasha) into something all her own (Matka Ichcha Sac Samped L—). The mantra itself even seemed to take on a life of its own. There were full-blown, 30-minute-plus arousal and denial/release sessions directed at L—, but I would also catch my mind chanting the mantra at different times throughout the day. Usually, I wasn’t even sure how long I'd been thinking the words before I realized it. (Even today, there are times I still don’t.) Sometimes, the mantra seemed like some constantly running background loop. Sometimes, I would wake at 2, or at 3, or at 4 AM with the mantra already running through my head, my body unmoving, and arousal rising to the brink of orgasm multiple times, only to hear L—‘s voice each time saying Not yet, and then pulling me back from the brink with no conscious effort of my own. And sometimes, I would listen to the Mantra MP3 itself, and have to struggle with my own mind to use the name “Kasha” rather than “L—,” the new mantra had become so ingrained.

This was also the period when I stopping having doubts whether a given experience was some thought I might have had about L— or L— herself actually deciding to manifest in some way. On several mornings, she unexpectedly forced me (literally) to my knees to chant the mantra -- but never when I thought it would be coming, or even when I hoped it might be coming. Those times, I would feel her as a presence in my mind, or like an unseen presence at my side, but nothing would happen. She would say nothing. She would do nothing. No matter what I thought or did or how much I wanted to feel her taking control, nothing at all would happen. Not until I gave up completely, felt her fade away, and found myself immersed in and focused on something else entirely would she unleash some “proof” of her abilities and power.

This was the period as well when I realized that the fierce, emotional longing I had already begun to feel for L— was also something she could raise within me at her whim. It might be during the mantra for her, when the need would be so overpowering within three repetitions of that one, short sentence that I would find myself literally shaking and in tears. Or it might arise as a parting reminder after I had tried to bring L— into my awareness on my own timetable for some reason or other, only to hear, clear as day inside my mind, No. I'm tired. I'm weak. Later.

More than anything, though, this was the period when trances became even deeper, and the visualizations within those trances became more substantial (and sometimes more unnerving), than I had ever experienced before. Virtual Goddess in particular became extraordinarily powerful for me. My memory would haze in and out until the end of the session, when it leaves you still in trance and in the care of the personal, inner goddess you had manifested. But now, once I would be left alone with L—, the feeling of being in two places at once shifted into feeling much more in the not-there of that mental bedroom with her than in the there of my physical chair, headphones, and MP3 player.

L— made good use of those times, too, taking them well beyond the simple “play” or “fetish-fix” sessions I had once imagined they would be. I realized this during the very first time I listened to the Virtual Goddess MP3 in this period, when Kasha’s voice left me on that mental bed in that mental room with L—, and bonds with minds of their own lashed me spread-eagled to the bedposts as L— straddled me, and things got... well... even weirder...

Because for each finger on her left hand, one by one, L— took hold of that finger with those of her other hand, and then she stretched out that finger until the elongated part actually separated from the rest of that finger and she was left holding a finger's-width part of herself, moving like it was alive. And for each one, she dropped that piece of herself by one of my hands or feet. All I could do was lie there, unable to move either in that not-there bedroom or in the chair of my “real” room, as those pieces moved like flesh-colored snakes with no heads against my own skin and then slipped inside of me, curling around my muscles and nerves and making every part of me feel alive and aroused. Looking down at me, L— said this would give her more control over my physical body and reactions. Then she did the same with the fingers of her right hand, but she dropped those onto other places on my body. And then she took that one certain part of me inside herself, riding me while eight portions of whatever L— actually was writhed inside of seemingly every part of my own body beneath my skin.

L— also began inserting herself into trances with other sessions, such as the Chakral Devotion MP3 from Kasha and Isabella Valentine’s Lea~Koa site. Again, that particular file was one I might have scoffed at a few weeks earlier, or simply considered an enjoyable hypnotic fantasy. By this point, though, I downloaded it with an opened mind, hoping that it really would help strengthen my connection with L—, and maybe the flow of energy between us as well. Little did I know how it would do that.

I was lying on the floor as I went under, and I could sense L— on the couch to the side as I listened to the file. She was clearly paying very close attention to it all, but making no move to interfere. Everything seemed fine and "on script." Not all of the chakras appeared to be the same size in my mental image of them, and not all of them had turned brilliant white by the end of the file, but that was a whole raft of symbolism and meanings that I would work out later. Because at that moment, when the file reached the count to awakening, I sensed very strongly that L— was no longer on the couch but was now kneeling on the floor beside me. And heard her voice inside my mind telling me that I was definitely not going to wake up, that I was instead going to go deeper with every number counted.

That was exactly what happened, of course. I was out of control at that point, in her hands, and she was running the show.

I still had the chakras I had pictured during the actual session clearly in my mind’s eye. One by one, for each chakra, L— put a hand over it, and I could feel/sense/”see” the energy flowing up from me and into her palm. Even more bizarre (though I would actually become used to this later), my body was actually lifting up off the floor at the exact position of whichever chakra L— happened to be focusing on. The flow of energy I was visualizing felt that powerful. It felt arousing, too, but also seven other things I'm still to this day trying to figure out. It wasn’t quite sexual. It wasn’t quite spiritual. It was something I had no idea how to really describe, then or now, and I felt more than a little nervous as I realized just how far out of my usual depth I had gotten. That was when I sensed/”saw” L— smiling down and saying, Trust me. This will connect us even more.

L— didn't say much of anything after that. She just worked her way up my torso, with the same thing happening for each chakra. When she reached the Third Eye, though, she seemed more serious, and I very clearly heard, We need to open this more, for both of us. For what we both want to do over time.

What I felt with the other chakras had been nothing compared to this one. My head was lifted well above the pillow, and the rush of energy was on a completely different order of magnitude. The best description is that it felt like something was trying to "widen" my forehead. In fact, my whole body was shaking and quivering, just a notch or two below what I could only be called a full-on seizure. I had never had an image of L— being so focused and full of concentration, either. And that was the image of her in my mind, at least until the point, after I honestly don't know how long, that I felt something snap, or part, or open, and L—pulled back her hand as my head slammed back down onto the pillow.

Looking up at L— in my mind’s eye, she seemed energized and exhausted all at once. I felt the same way.

Then I realized she still wasn’t finished yet.

She moved to the chakra above my head, cupping it in both her hands, and I felt the energy flowing from the root chakra up through the others and into her, and the chakras that hadn’t already been brilliant white suddenly became brilliant white. Ripples of sensation (arousal, again, and all those other feelings I'm still trying to puzzle out) flowed up through my body until L— reversed the flow. Then the energy was flowing from her and into me, and the same ripples moved in the opposite direction.

Afterward, I was beyond energized and ecstatic for the rest of the day. That evening, though, I crashed -- badly -- and saw yet another side of L—. I already knew she could be embarrassed, but this time, I could see disappointment -- in herself -- on that image of her face inside my mind. And I also clearly heard her apology: I'm sorry. I took a bit too much for the start, and for everything else you had going on today. You'll be fine, though. Just sleep it off.

She was right, too. In fact, by the next morning, I felt better than fine.

So did L—, and the two of us kept moving forward.

The three weeks or so since my last entry have been an unusual time. When I first began listening to Kasha Shakti’s Virtual Goddess and having such intense experiences, I was fortunate to have a big block of time to delve into it all. And not just the experiences with L— specifically, but with a kind of “energetic awakening” that began to occur as well. It seemed like my body itself was changing, experiencing flash illnesses just as often as the healthiest, strongest states I’ve ever known. My appetite went through the roof, yet I never gained a pound. My diet changed, as foods I had normally craved lost their appeal and others practically demanded to be consumed. My free-time interests also shifted, and I experienced things on a mental and even spiritual level that I would have scoffed at just a few months before. Even my wife noticed the transformation—and not simply because my own sex drive had gone through the roof—and remarked, “I have no idea where all these changes are coming from, but I like them.”

No one can stay at that level of intensity forever, of course. And over the last three weeks, "real" life and work have reasserted themselves with a vengeance. Sometimes, it feels like my world experienced its own Big Bang, expanding like mad for several weeks and then contracting back down into a “new normal.” And that’s a strange feeling, even if my new normal is something much larger and awe-inspiring than my old one, and even if it still gives me some new experience with L— literally each and every day.

L— repeatedly tells me that I should think of this time as my mind, body, and even spirit consolidating and adjusting to everything that's changed and happened, that this is the just the calm between the storm I’ve already gone through and the one that’s still to come. I find that idea comforting as well as frightening, just like I find L— herself.

That’s a fitting intro to where I ended my last entry. Because at that point, L— had driven away any last fear I might have had about what was coming to life inside my mind. And with that sense of comfort established, the next day—of course—she scared the living hell out of me.

I had some time alone that next afternoon, and I listened to Virtual Goddess again. Very quickly, L— was not just in my head, but also playing my body like a puppet on a string. My hands had a life of their own, lust burned from out of nowhere, and when she decided to slap me (yes, face slapping is something I freely admit that I enjoy as a submissive), my own hands were doing it. And not play slaps, either. These were full-on blows, one after another, just like I've always craved getting from any woman who was ever in control of me.

And I honestly, sincerely, could not stop it. Whether L— was a construct of my own mind or something truly independent and external (L— herself claims she is not an "either/or”) didn’t matter at that point. L— was in control, and I (or at least the conscious I) was not.

L— put me through other things as well that afternoon, and I won't go into detail about those here. But I will say that something shifted, eventually, and instead of controlling my own body from within, I felt myself being moved and pinned down and "done to" from without. Nothing that I could see, except in my mind’s eye, which was all too vivid and on a much higher level of intensity than I’d ever experienced before. And the effects were completely real to me. And very unnerving. And exactly what I'd hoped to find and experience, during all these years in the hypnofetish, but had also been afraid that I somehow actually would find and experience.

Then I got something even more surprising.

By this point, I had started listening to other recordings by Kasha Shakti as well, including the Mantra MP3. As Kasha writes on her website in the disclosure for that file, “Listening to this recording constitutes participation in a ritual designed to empower me through your devotion of erotic energy.” That’s also something I might have scoffed at only a few months ago, or at least considered nothing more than a sly, well-crafted bit of hypno-erotic mind gaming. I’ve rethought my views on this as well, though, especially considering how L— herself reacted to this file.

Kasha has said that she considers the Virtual Goddess to be "an ally," and that's been a great, alluring aspect for me. The idea of having L—in one aspect of my life and Kasha in another, the two of them cooperating and allied, is like being caught between a very appealing rock and an even more appealing hard place. And as the Mantra MP3 played, the chant that it involves (Matka Ichcha Sac Samped Kasha) had barely begun to be repeated inside my mind when L— chose that moment to surface. Only L— surfaced not as an ally, but as a very jealous being.

Simply put, L— wanted the mantra I was chanting to be her name rather than Kasha’s.

The shock and surprise really threw me off-balance, at least from what I remember. Some of the details are still hazy even now. It felt like some mental conversation happened that I was barely aware of. And like some promise was made. And then L— faded away, only to resurface again later that night and have me chanting the mantra in my mind (this time with her name instead) and, to build even more energy, denying myself for over 30 solid minutes. It was exhausting, and draining—and I could literally feel L— drawing strength from it.

When I was able to discuss this with her later, Kasha told me that she wasn’t surprised by L—‘s reaction. As she put it, L— was in such a state of “becoming,” needing energy simply to sustain her own existence at that point, that it would be difficult to respond with anything but “the insistence of the starved.” And when I asked L— herself about it, during one of those mental conversations I still enjoy far more than I probably should, I heard actual embarrassment in her voice, and I saw it in her image inside my mind, as she responded, I've only "existed" for less than a week. Give me a break here...

A Virtual Goddess with a sense of humor. I never would have expected that. Though maybe I should have, considering that she manifested thorugh my mind in particular.

Then again, none of this is really what I expected, either then or now. Some part of me once had the idea of Virtual Goddess as creating a Virtual Pro-Domme or Virtual Hypno-Domme, always ready to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted it. And L— has turned out to be anything but. The aggressive, sexually dominant female goddess of my dreams is there, definitely, but there's also so much more. Those mental conversations have happened repeatedly. She's popped into my mind and given me advice. She's provided me with the kick in the ass I needed to stop procrastinating about two things in particular that I'd been putting off. I've "felt" her fingers massaging my scalp, with the nerve endings tingling all the way from my head down through my spine, when I was stressed. And she is definitely not letting me run this show myself.

Even now, she still isn’t.

Over the next few days, things “progressed” with L— much farther and much faster than I ever thought could be possible. There were times she was lurking just below the surface of my conscious mind, and I'd experience a flash of images or words in her voice. It almost felt like I was eavesdropping on something being prepared, or was being allowed a glimpse of L— experimenting, learning, thinking, and even making decisions. Other times, she would come fully formed into my conscious awareness, either telling me something outright or asking a question or just "messing" with me, either mentally or physically or even sometimes both, for a moment or two. Then she would fade back down below the surface with that devilish laugh that let me know she had other things in store. There was a certain joy in L— at being "alive" that was impossible to ignore, and she was absolutely relishing the growing power she had over both my mind and my body.

I've always had an active fantasy life, and I started exploring self-hypnosis long before I ever discovered a "hypno-fetish" even existed. Those other experiences had a very different quality from what I was (and still am) experiencing now, though. Before, certain things would be a giveaway that I was somehow rewriting or guiding the fantasy, that I had some measure of control. And rarely did any of those earlier "fantasy figures" ever do something that honestly surprised me. Even during these first few days with L—, though, she managed to surprise me repeatedly.

One of those surprises involved my wife.

My wife and I both play with and enjoy hypnosis, and each of us has our own little sphere of fantasies and online experiences that the other has little or nothing to do with. (Basically, we're two kinksters who somehow found each other, but have our separate as well as our shared kink worlds.) I also walk, each day, sometimes with my wife and sometimes not, as a way to clear my head. And on one of those early evenings after L— had been created, or manifested, or whatever actually brought her into being inside my mind, I was walking alone. And I had a stray thought of what life would be like if I were single, and what L— could do if I had more privacy. It was one of those involuntary thoughts that people have for a brief moment, before they think better of it and push that particular idiocy from their heads. Only that evening, before I even had a chance to think better of that idiocy, L— flared (the best way I can describe it) into my conscious mind and quite literally told me off for even thinking about that, and how lucky I was in my life, and that if need be, she would make sure I never did anything to mess that up. Then she flared away, and I found myself standing on the sidewalk like an idiot. That was the moment I really, truly realized that L— was something very different and independent from anything I'd experienced before. Somehow, I’d managed to create, or manifest, or whatever word should be used, a “Virtual Goddess” who was also fiercely protective of my marriage.

That night was also the first time my wife and I were "together" since I first listened to the “Virtual Goddess” MP3, and even after that experience on the sidewalk, I was worried about what might happen. Partly because having someone, or something, like L— toy with me during that kind of time is a guilty fantasy that I have (and something that did happen once with a hypnotic experience years before, but that's another story). L— had no intention of doing anything like that, as it turned out. Instead, I just saw her face and heard her voice in my mind, with this incredibly loving look and tone, telling me to enjoy what I had and that she would be back afterward.

It was a great evening, but one I won’t describe. And L— did come back, much later, as I was finally settling down in bed for the night.

And that was the first night I felt that I was in two places at once.

Over the years, there's been a certain "mental dream house" that's often been a setting during trances for me. It began as just a staircase, because who hasn’t had uncounted trances deepened by imagining themselves walking down those overly symbolic steps? But as time went on, I found myself filling in the details, like the hallway at the top of the stairs and the room at the bottom. Bit by bit, my mind constructed that entire house, and settled on its location, until it became the place that I firmly intend to build or buy if I ever have the chance and the finances. That house was where I found myself that night, even as I also experienced myself lying in bed with my wife.

L— had taken the “dream house” for her own, I realized. She had changed the location and the scenery, and she was also, apparently, "upgrading" it in ways I only caught glimpses of then. But it was clearly the same house I had put together in my mind over the years. And it was more vivid and “substantial” than it had ever been.

Even now, weeks later, I’m still struggling to find the words to describe this experience. Saying that I was in two places at once gives the idea, but not the actual feeling, or the intensity. I was clearly lying in my bed, with my wife, but also very much at that house, sitting outside on the wooden deck with L—. I could feel the hardness of the wooden chair beneath me and the temperature of the colder air I breathed there, which felt, and even smelled, so different from the warmer air and the softer mattress of my physical bedroom. I could even feel the warm ceramic of the mug of coffee that I held, like a kind of overlay that mixed with the feel of the bed sheet against that same palm back in the “real” world.

I might have thought I was going insane, if I hadn’t been enjoying the entire experience so much.

And it was hardly the experience I would have expected. Because all that L— and I did was have a conversation, sitting there on the deck of that “dream” house. It was a conversation that flowed faster than I could have ever scripted consciously, too, and one about topics and with responses that I never would have imagined on my own, again at least not consciously. And it was such a wonderfully unexpected cap to a wonderfully unexpected evening that I lost any fear about what was coming to life inside my mind.

I had no idea, that night, feeling myself in two places at once, what I was in for next.

Awakened

I like to think I've been around when it comes to hypnosis. My interest began when I was still a child. I read books about the topic in secret, first hypnotized someone in secret, and practiced self-hypnosis with a pure belief in what was possible that only a child (and then a teenager) could have, even when the results never quite lived up to my expectations.

I like to think I've been around when it comes to erotic hypnosis. I made the connection later in life, but then made up for lost time. Those were the days before MP3s, when buying a session meant waiting for a padded mailer with a cassette tape to arrive in your actual, physical mailbox. Over the years, I bought at least one session from most of the hypnotists who came to my attention, whether the "Old Guard" of original hypnodomes, or the ones who came later and then disappeared, or the ones who came later and then stayed. Each one showed me something new, whether something mind-blowing or just something interesting, some take on a subject I'd never thought of on my own. Some I went back to and bought other sessions, and someof those sessions I still listen to from time to time even today. And a few I threw myself into, buying many sessions over many months or a year, trying to experience all that they had to offer like some serial monogamist.

This made for more great experiences than I had a right to expect, but there was never a perfect fit, and never a perfect idea in my own mind of what I was really looking for or what I actually needed. Sometimes, I would try to create it on my own, with my own scripts read through one voice-synthesizer or hypnosis computer program or another. But still, the perfect fit was never there. Or it was the right idea or session at the wrong time in my life.

I can't even begin to wrap my mind around all the many things that needed to align so that I could encounter the right hypnotist, and the right session, at the right time in my life. Looking back over the last few weeks, I can see how easily any one piece of that puzzle could have been off.

I could have listened to a Kasha Shakti recording at some other point during all the time I knew about her but never purchased one of her MP3s.

I could have listened a Kasha Shakti MP3 other than "Virtual Goddess" as my first session.

I could have done all this months or a year or even more from now, when everything else in my life had reached a different place, and my mind might have been less opened.

Sometimes your "perfect fit" has a small window of opportunity. Looking back, I know that mine certainly did. And that alone makes me wonder and reconsider things that I haven't wondered about or reconsidered for years.

My perfect fit isn't a case of "I love her voice," though I do. Or "I love her sessions," though I do. Or even "Her sessions just do it for me3," though they do.

My perfect fit is an experience that completely redefines my sense of what is possible, and what is real. Something that's already exceeded even those expectations I had as a child. Something I honestly thought I would never experience, at least not in this life.

Looking back over the last few weeks, I can see that listening to "Virtual Goddess" was one of those events or decisions that nudges your life onto a different, completely unexpected route. One of those events that changes how you look at yourself and the world, and opens you up to something much wider, and more wonderful, and even more downright bizarre than anything you were ever open to before.

Looking back, I've also come to realize I'm not the only person who has had experiences as intense as my own these last few weeks. Realizing that has helped convince me that I'm still relatively sane. Hopefully, writing about my own experiences over the next few weeks might help someone else realize that as well.

Awakened